SCAM

8 March 2010

”So how many investment-orientated IFA roadshows are we actually up against this week?” I asked the chairman of the implausibly-sized investment company Second Coming Asset Management as we made our way slowly through the crowded interior of The Perthshire Canine Appreciation Society with a couple of Lemony Lulu cocktails. “If I had to guess, I’d say about nine or 10,” the chairman replied.

“OK,” I said, pushing through the Mexican stand-off going on between three sales teams for possession of the last remaining table and heading for a space by the fire exit. “But how many investment-orientated IFA roadshows are we up against tomorrow morning in whichever town we’re now in?” “Oh, that,” said the chairman. “If I had to guess, I’d say about nine or 10.”

“Don’t you ever check the dates with your competition?” I asked. “Not any more,” the chairman shrugged. “I mean, we certainly used to but there doesn’t really seem to be any point any more. Just do the maths. There are so many fund groups and so many different roadshows and yet only six or seven industry-approved golfy-type venues–there’s bound to be a bit of overlap.”

“A bit of an overlap?” I repeated as the Mexican stand-offers tried to resolve the deadlock by comparing yields on their recently-launched regional equity income funds. “It’s like Stringfellows after an IMA dinner in here … er, I’d imagine.” “Nice save,” lied the chairman. “Look, I admit the 620% rise in IFA roadshows this Isa season has been a little surprising, but what do you suggest we do?” (article continues below)

“Hey, don’t get me wrong,” I said. “I’m grateful for the opportunity to do a little chairing of my own–and deeply privileged to fill in at the one or two gigs Richard Romer-Lee isn’t able to make. It just seems that at some point–and apparently nine or 10 roadshows in the same venue isn’t quite it–we might possibly risk the prospect of overkill.”

”The chairman skilfully dodged a box of fund factsheets as it sailed through the air …”

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you?” the chairman nodded, skilfully dodging a box of fund factsheets as it sailed through the air–evidently the stand-off was escalating on the back of some disagreement as to whether Europe, Asia or, I think, Bournemouth was a better source of dividend-paying companies. “But, as you say, we don’t appear to have reached that point just yet.”

“Even so,” I persisted. “Don’t you worry about delegate fatigue? For while absolute numbers on this Fundy-Fund Fund-Fund 2010 Roadshow have looked pretty respectable to me, I can’t shake the feeling there might have been a bit more of a turn-out if there hadn’t been a whole host of other roadshows in town at the same time.

“Which raises the thorny issue of delegate quality. For while many advisers attending have been undeniably of the highest class, I swear one or two of your attendees haven’t written more than three Isas in the last five years.” “Oh really,” said the chairman. “And how could you know that?”

“By applying my tried-and-tested Food & Freebies Co-efficient,” I replied. “Put it this way, I’m betting that the last piece of investment business written by the old boy who shovelled that plate of sandwiches into his goody-bag and then staggered off with 16 Scam-branded umbrellas was a Pep–always assuming he was an IFA in the first place.”

“Fair point,” the chairman conceded. “That’s pretty much the system we use–and if we didn’t have thousands of the blasted things I’d have sent the boys after that chap to relieve him of his brollies. Now, speaking of freebies, we should take cover as that mob look to be unpacking boxes of novelty items to use as missiles.”

“A tenner on the team with the golf balls?” I offered. “Not a chance,” the chairman replied. “You can see their opponents are deeply regretting their choice of squeezy stress toy this year. This could get nasty.” “No, I think we’re OK,” I said. “Look, the owners have called the police. So how do you plan to play roadshows in the future?” “Long-term, I haven’t a clue,” the chairman shrugged. “Short-term, I see a table has suddenly become available.”